Tom Keeps Trying

Feeling better

I went to work today and got some stuff done while not being interrupted all the time. It was kinda nice to be at work when most other people were off. I am taking my holiday day tomorrow so I can go with my wife to her doctor’s appointment. Tomorrow she gets an official diagnosis of diabetes.

While I was alone in the office I let loose and just cried. It really helped. Last night was really tough on me. This morning I was lying in bed thinking that everything was eventually hopeless. I ended up watching a continuing education webinar today about taking care of yourself to better take care of your patients. The tears just started flowing. The words were profound though they were nothing that I hadn’t heard before. However, it was exactly what I needed to hear today. I am glad no one else was in the office today because they would have heard me sobbing like a baby.

Sometimes it is necessary to cry. Sometimes you just have to let out all the pent up emotions. Today was exactly what I needed it to be.

No one is ever promised a life free of pain. I live with pain every day of my life. I have physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain. Somewhere along the line (like today) I also experience a sort of combination of all those pains at once.

However…

I simply cannot understand how many people feel that if they start to have a little bit of pain they need to “rush” to the ER. (By rush, I mean stop at the drive through convenience store to buy the 44 oz soda and a pack of smokes before hitting up the ER.) As if convenience stores aren’t “convenient” enough, we have a chain of stores that you can drive up and someone will walk inside to get your order and bring it to your car…

I am both repulsed by and scared of the behavior I see every day at work. I am scared because I see myself in the patient’s I treat. Or, at least I see a version of my future self. I doubt that many of these people set out to end up seeking narcotics at every turn. I am sure for most people it started subtly. Perhaps they twisted their back or had a car accident and got a prescription for pain meds. Maybe they took the pain meds and realized that, for a moment, all their other pains subsided. From there they might have tried to get more pain meds prescribed. If one doctor said no they might go see a new doctor. Pretty soon they start telling stories that aren’t totally true but not outright lies. Before they know it they are lying to every doctor/nurse and anyone who will listen to them. Some eventually quit lying and say it straight out.

The spiral down becomes a whirlwind.

Today I saw people in EVERY stage of the whirlwind I just described above. I tell this because, as I sit here typing I am acutely aware of how bad my feet still hurt from walking my half marathon a week ago and how bad my back and neck hurt. I am aware of how much mental pain working the ER this weekend caused me. I am more than aware how much emotional pain I am feeling when I think about how similar many members of my family are to the people I have just described. I am acutely aware of how genetically and environmentally prone to addiction I am/could/would be. I could easily become addicted to anything that has addictive properties. This is why I have never done any drugs. I always knew that if I started I might not be able to stop.

I am worried about my future. I am worried about how easily the above people could be me. I am worried because I don’t want to continue to be in pain. I hurt. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I simply hurt. I know that pain is life. I know I will not be like them. I know too much about how devastating that kind of life can be.

However, I realize how easily ”they” could be me and it scares the ever living shit out of me.

No one is ever promised a life free of pain. I live with pain every day of my life. I have physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain. Somewhere along the line (like today) I also experience a sort of combination of all those pains at once.

However…

I simply cannot understand how many people feel that if they start to have a little bit of pain they need to “rush” to the ER. (By rush, I mean stop at the drive through convenience store to buy the 44 oz soda and a pack of smokes before hitting up the ER.) As if convenience stores aren’t “convenient” enough, we have a chain of stores that you can drive up and someone will walk inside to get your order and bring it to your car…

I am both repulsed by and scared of the behavior I see every day at work. I am scared because I see myself in the patient’s I treat. Or, at least I see a version of my future self. I doubt that many of these people set out to end up seeking narcotics at every turn. I am sure for most people it started subtly. Perhaps they twisted their back or had a car accident and got a prescription for pain meds. Maybe they took the pain meds and realized that, for a moment, all their other pains subsided. From there they might have tried to get more pain meds prescribed. If one doctor said no they might go see a new doctor. Pretty soon they start telling stories that aren’t totally true but not outright lies. Before they know it they are lying to every doctor/nurse and anyone who will listen to them. Some eventually quit lying and say it straight out.

The spiral down becomes a whirlwind.

Today I saw people in EVERY stage of the whirlwind I just described above. I tell this because, as I sit here typing I am acutely aware of how bad my feet still hurt from walking my half marathon a week ago and how bad my back and neck hurt. I am aware of how much mental pain working the ER this weekend caused me. I am more than aware how much emotional pain I am feeling when I think about how similar many members of my family are to the people I have just described. I am acutely aware of how genetically and environmentally prone to addiction I am/could/would be. I could easily become addicted to anything that has addictive properties. This is why I have never done any drugs. I always knew that if I started I might not be able to stop.

I am worried about my future. I am worried about how easily the above people could be me. I am worried because I don’t want to continue to be in pain. I hurt. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I simply hurt. I know that pain is life. I know I will not be like them. I know too much about how devastating that kind of life can be.

However, I realize how easily ”they” could be me and it scares the ever living shit out of me.

So. Sore.

Everywhere.

@ Shortmom— Thank you for all your support. It has been no secret that the last year has been rough for me or that I basically gave up on myself. I can literally name a small handful of Tumblrs that have believed in/supported me all along. Especially when I failed to believe in myself.

Thank you all. I am so tired and sore and queasy so I am going to take a nap. I wish you all a fantastic day.

Today I found the strength to do something I did not believe I could do. Much of that strength came from knowing that if I posted mileage signs, Tumblr would notice and root for me to do that which I believed I could not. Even for a walk, 13.1 is rough. My prior longest distance was 7 miles. Thus, every step after mile 7 was the longest I have ever traveled by foot.

Dying